where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dear god my vagina.
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