Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
