I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
