Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
