you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
