I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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