I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
