I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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