i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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