last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize