just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
