Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
