I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
