I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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