So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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