put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
