She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
