What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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