Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Randomize
