Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
