come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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