He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
