Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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