i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
