A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
