addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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