walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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