I'm really into asian looking animals
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
