Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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