I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
