he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
