If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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