I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
