RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
