the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
