i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize