i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Please don't give away my fajitas
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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