; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
how does that bad decision feel?
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