I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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