So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
