my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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