Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
