He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
