rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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