I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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