I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
