You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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