I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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