Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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