You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
