I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Drake has all the answers
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
