If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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