I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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