I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
