She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
