only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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