Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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