how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
