I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
