Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
