I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
