i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize