Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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