Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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