I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
