Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We are all done wearing pants today
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize